News from a Parallel Universe

240px-William_P._Gottlieb_16181_originalPresident Obama, in a speech explaining sending additional troops to the Mideast without Congress having anything to do with it, said, “Most of the time, members of Congress are out raising funds, getting liquored up at parties, and, let’s face it, they don’t really want to send the troops. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I say, ‘Full steam ahead.’” “Furthermore,” he said, “It’s only another six billion dollars, and I’ve already asked the Treasury Department to print the stuff.”

The VA, after being hammered by Congress’ military veterans, announced it would revise its rules and regulations, translating them from VeteransAdministationese to English. The move, according to VA officials, will take anywhere from two to nine years. VA boss Robert A. McDonald said, “Not too many people can speak both languages.”

A spokeswoman for ISIS Pharmaceuticals, Inc. said today, “Our name has nothing to do terrorists in the Middle East. Never has. Never will. Now stop calling or I’ll report you.” According to Egyptian mythology, Isis was the daughter of the earth god Geb and the sky goddess Nut. Her sister and brothers were Nephthys, Set, and Osiris. These six deities—Geb, Nut, Isis, Osiris, Set, and Nephthys—belonged to an important group of nine Egyptian gods called the Great Ennead of Heliopolis.

White House Chief of Staff Denis McDonough shut down computers belonging to staff members after porn was discovered on computers. “Our investigation started after the Office of Budget and Management began getting bills from on-line porn marketers.”

The House committee on energy and commerce released new details of its investigation into the events leading up to GM’s recall of 2.6 milion vehicles for ignition-switch defects now linked to 13 deaths. Congress has unanimously passed legislation that will outlaw the phrase, “Close enough for government work.” It will be replaced by “Close enough for General Motors work.”

Fun with numbers: It’s impossible to know for sure what Eisenhower was thinking of when he warned of a military-industrial complex. Now used as a proper noun, The Military-Industrial Complex sells about $235 billion in arms every year. TMIC spokesman Robert ‘Spokes’ Williamson said, “Big deal. We have all sorts of complexes. Oedipus, Electra, Napoleon, and Martyr, just to name a few. At least ours makes money; the rest of those complexes only make shrinks rich.”

The Commander-in-Chief had good advice for military service veterans having difficulty finding jobs that pay more than the starvation rate. “Let ‘em go to China. What the hell, most American companies have moved to China anyhow. It doesn’t pay much, then again, the cost of living is pretty low, too.”

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